I missed the chance to make this post on Christmas Day so I am taking back that chance now. Because, what’s the difference anyway? Christmas, New Year? When you realized that the “new year” only gives you a false sense of discontinuity, as if the time is a timer that resets every three-hundred sixty… um, a certain number of days, maybe we should stop measuring our age by the number of years? I mean, shit continues to happen. The shit didn’t reset when the clock hits 12 on December 31. Those evil people in the government are still milking the pandemic—our misery—to pocket more and more money. (Not saying the pandemic or the virus isn’t real because I read a lot of comments like that. But I do understand where those people are coming from.)
And if you’re doing good, just go on and hope for the best. Yeah, whatever. And as the old Jackson 5 song goes, why don’t we give love on Christmas Day? Yeah, why not? No matter how bad the previous year was. Well, some said the worst year ever. But someone already said that back in 2016. So, probably, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse—it did get even worse. But whatever, let’s not dwell in the obvious and get back to business. Today I’m giving you a list of porn you can choose from and have them on a Christmas Day. Or any day actually as long as you have time to sit and watch or listen. And I ranked them in level of pornographicness.
John Wick 3: Halle Berry’s Dogs Fight Scene
This sequence is pure FPS-gun violence porn. Probably the worst part of the John Wick movies. It’s not because of Halle Berry or her dogs, but the fight itself, the way it was choreographed, shot, edited. This whole sequence is just repetedious. Haven’t seen the whole movie yet but my favorite part is when John Wick demonstrated the difference between paperback and hardbound. If you’re a bookworm, you should check this particular scene I’m talking about. It’s probably on YouTube.
Transformers
3D robot porn. I already forgot in which movie did I first saw Megan Fox. Okay, checking her Wikipedia page, it turns out that it was actually in this movie. I don’t know why I have some false memories of knowing her before this movie. Anyway, looks like Megan Fox was in too many bad movies. At least, she was in Jennifer’s Body, which is quite good. Anyway, on why this is ranked lower (means, better) than those Avengers or Chris Nolan movies. Well, at least with Michael Bay, you know what you’re getting: male robots without penises engaged in a scissor-sex even though they’re not lesbians.
Inception
Exposition porn. Mind-bending setpieces. Exposition. Mind-bending setpieces. Exposition. I don’t want to even think about it. I’ll just leave this Pitch Meeting video in case you want to know how PLOT-heavy this movie is.
Avengers: Infinity War / Endgame
These Avengers movies are just pure calligraphy. Chinese calligraphy. As in art? No, I mean pornography, pure pornography. Avengers: Infinity War, is nothing but pure pornography. With minimum falling & rising action, constantly tensed, fake moans, grunts, and all, this movie is seemingly in a state of constant climax.
Funny how Infinity War has all the sex, and Avengers: Endgame has all the unintentionally funny, badly acted prelude. You know, the part where the actors still have their clothes on, and they try to act, the scene where the guy meets girl and suddenly their situation calls for them to have 100% pornographic sex? That’s what the opening third of Endgame is like. The “time heist” is the foreplay—licking, eating, etc. And the final third? That’s the ram-it-all-in, flesh-flapping, boobs-shaking, cum-squirting finale. No superhero movie gets more pornographic than this.
Unique Salonga – Delubyo
Deep, disturbing, experimental. Said the fans. Take a closer look (listen) and you’ll see Unique masturbating to his own image in the mirror. Now THAT is disturbing. Or more like, Unique looking deep into the abyss. And the abyss not only looks back but also extends one hand to Unique. And then you see Unique and the abyss in a moment of oblivion engaged in a Double Dutch Rudder. Watch the clip below to get a clearer idea of what a Double Dutch Rudder is. Yes, it sounds like an ice cream flavor but it’s not.
Tenet
Time travel porn. This is not Christopher Nolan at his best but this is Christopher Nolan at his most pornographic.
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Animated comic book porn. If Paprika is your brain on anime, Spider-Verse is your brain on comic book movies—too much comic book movies. And it’s twice as colorful, textured, and spirited as the aforementioned Satoshi Kon movie. And it’s overloaded with Spider-characters, Spider-villains, and Spider-origin stories. It borrowed a lot of things from the Sam Raimi trilogy. Some are direct callbacks, some, shameless rip-offs.
Sure the animation is dope. But I don’t really get a hard-on on things like that anymore. I’m more into interesting stories, character drama, thrilling fight scenes, or even just a good villain. For me, Spider-Verse is simply like what The Animatrix was before. It was cool but it’s somewhat empty. You want something animated but with real imagination? Try Edgar Wright’s Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Cool music too. And if you don’t like Brie Larson in MCU movies, you’d probably like her as the Clash at Demonhead lead singer.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier / Civil War
Fast-cut-kinda-shaky-rapid-fire-editing dumb faux-political-thriller porn. I mean, seriously, people said TWS was like Three Days of Condor. More like Three Day Old Condom to me. And for Civil War, people were also debating whether Iron Man was conservative and Captain America is left-wing or whatever. Then, they elected Donald Trump. Well, I already wrote about this two movies a few times. And why both of them sucks. But this Honest Trailer video pretty much sums up why Civil War sucks pretty tight. And this ScreenRant Pitch Meeting video on TWS pretty much has all the right reasons why I didn’t buy any of it when I watched the movie in the theatre.
Jose Mari Chan/Nico Bolzico Ad
I’m now convinced that 2020 was really that bad that crap like this looked good to some people. I mean, I read the comments on YouTube and no one’s screaming mad at how awful this is. And I’m not gonna say something like “this is like that-Nico-guy-butt-fucking-the-older-guy-by-the-Christmas-tree-awful”. I’m not gonna say things like that. I’ll just leave it to your imagination. But it IS that awful.
Aleck Bovick – Prinsesa
I know. Who the fuck goes to the internet looking for Aleck Bovick songs [album link]. Well, maybe you don’t know it yet that this is exactly the kind of porn you’ve been looking for your whole life. Maybe not the kind of porn you need but the kind of porn that you deserve. You may have been caught blasting Nic Makino’s “Neneng B” unironically in your car and you know what? You better be good. Because if you go to hell, you’ll be forced to listen to this stuff 24/7. And you won’t get any she-devil as sexy as Aleck Bovick on your side. There’ll be all male devils trying to lick your butt. Anyway, I don’t know how this album got made. But it sure is not a total waste either, in the sense that, no talent, skills, or effort were wasted in making this shitty album. Sayang lang kuryente. Potah.
s u p e r u s e l e s s f * c k i n g r e v i e w s 