What if Marvel gets Tarantino to do a Captain America spin-off?

Here’s what—should Marvel hire Quentin Tarantino and give him 100% free rein:

It would be set in the near future where the world is enslaved by Loki and the formation of Avengers never happened. Why? Because a deadly assassin killed Nick Fury in the ’70s. Doctor Strange would send Captain America back in time to stop the assassination.

Fury would be portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson in Jheri curl. He still has two good eyes, but he’ll lost one by the end of the movie. Cap would have few but important lines; Samuel L. Jackson would do most of the talking.

Skye

To get to Fury, Cap would need to hook up with hookers, nuns with guns, and sexy spies. Expect lots of T&A and few glimpses of untrimmed hair because this is the ’70s! Cap’s magic shield wouldn’t work in this movie; he has to do a lot of heavy action scenes and sweaty bed scenes without CGI, green-screen, shaky cam and frantic editing.

There would be a scene where SHIELD’s Agent Skye shows Cap her voluptuous… vinyl collection. And Cap would unsheathe and play her delicate… Delfonics LP. Off-screen, she’d be heard whispering OMG’s ever so softly.

The assassin’s identity would be revealed as Cap, Fury, and Skye find themselves on the wrong end of a brutal fight. Cap would do the ultimate sacrifice to save Fury. (Cap dies during climax.) The assassin would escape through a time portal created by Doctor Strange.
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Epilogue: Present day. Bucky opens the door and enters his apartment, groceries on both hands. He finds Fury waiting inside with gun aimed at him.

Bang! Bucky’s hit between the eyes and falls on the floor.

A rodent crawls across the window.

Roy Buchanan’s “Sweet Dreams” fades in. Black screen. Credits.

Death Proof (Quentin Tarantino, 2007)

deathproofxWatched this for the sole reason Ramona Flowers is in it. Tried to watch it before, but I couldn’t get past through the first half, when all the characters speak in thick Tarantino accent.

It’s not hard to like Tarantino movies; the guy loves music—maybe not as much as he loves certain kind of movies—and he peppers his movies with tunes that sound old and fresh at the same time. He makes his characters sing to and talk about music, even dance to them with the usual Tarantino-esque results. But once you get to see his movies, most of his characters starts to bleed into each other, or more like you’ll hear Tarantino speaks from each of the character’s mouth—there’s very little variation.

Turns out, the first half, about Jungle Julia and her friends, is the decent half of this movie; as Tarantino indulges yet again in a movie about making movies in the second half. Too bad, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is stuck in the second half. Worse, she’s left out of the final car chase sequence when Zoe Bell and her friends fight back and beat Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell).